I Have A New Boyfriend

I have a new passion in life. A new reason to get up in the morning. A new boo, if you will.

World, say hello to cheesecat.

He is the ultimate LOLCat because, just like me, and you, he also enjoys Kraft Singles.

As you can tell, he is a marvel of a cat. The way the cold cheese sits across his face, and he smirks. This cat is the 10th wonder in the world (Tommy Lee's dick is the 8th, and John Travolta's hairpiece is the 9th)

I love cheesecat.

Lohan isn't Goin to Jail Just Yet

So an arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan this weekend after the LA courts decided that she didn't complete all the stipulations stemming from her 2007 hit and run/DUI (good Combo Lindz!) arrest.

She was supposed to complete a 10 day booze program, or some shit, I dont freakin know.

All I know is that her attorney said she was fine in some statement.

In other Lezzie Lindsay news, apparantley her and her old-man (samRO) are having it out at samantha's place in LA, cause there are a shit ton of reporters and cops outside the house.

Click Here to see all the drama go down.

Those lesbians are freaking out of their minds. Actually, I think they just enjoy putting on a good show. They must. If They didn't like all this attention, they'd stop. Maybe their addicts.

No way. Lindsay... an addict?

He's Gay? WTF?

This mother fucker just pulled some Doogie Howser shit on us. Dave "Say What Karaeoke (I dont know how the f you spell kar-E-oky)" Holmes, that dude that came in second on the "wanna be a vj" shiznat from MTV like 10 years ago, is a say what HOMOSEXUAL!!!!!

Okay, he came out like 7 years ago, but I didn't know this shit. Why didn't I know this? I should know every celebrity that is gay (no matter how minor or irrelevant) because I have to be ready if duty calls!

I'm shocked by this because I don't think I ever romanticized getting it on with this fool. I can still barely imagine him doing the dirty with a dude.

I know this will be news to many of you...

Miley's New Vid

Yes, I love this song. I checked and Miley didn't write it, so it's okay.

The vid, on the other hand, wtf?

Why is she trying to rock out against the wall to a ballad? Especially one like this. If you really look at Miley, she doesn't really have much musical intuition. She doesn't really get into the music the way real musicians do.

She's no Demi Lovato.

But, hell, she's rich as hell, and a slut. So I think she's the bees knees.

Grandma's Mini Sandwich Cremes Are Heavenly

I don't know if these little pieces of heaven are in vending machines everywhere, but I just bought a pack and my mouth is jizzing itself.

The cookies are scrumptious and the creme in the middle is divine. I think these were baked by an angel.

Wait... I figured it out.

TRANS FAT.

These babies have 3.5 grams of delicious trans fat per bag. Mmmmm. Why the fuck would they ban trans fat from food in California? Don't they know how delicious it is?

Vital Information For Your Everyday Life

This was like the best part of All That. And All That was a pretty good show. And I mean that just like I said it. Pretty good.

It wasn't really good. Is any sketch show ever really good? I mean, maybe there's a good episode. Or a good performer.

Like Kristen Wigg. Pretty much anything she does is hilarious. No, I mean, everything she does is hilarious. She's the best part of Saturday Night Live. But SNL isn't a masterpiece of a show. Half of the skits suck, and Kenan Thompson just makes it that much worse of a show.

He has got to be the least funny cast member to have ever been on that show. Why do they let him on the stage? He's not funny.

Kenan was in All That. I think he did one funny skit, and it was where he played an old dude.

Kenan sucks. Why is he getting paid thousands of dollars to be on TV and I can barely pay my rent.

Oh yeah, because all I do is sit and post stupid shit like this on my blog.

Box Office For Last Weekend

They should totally make The Crotchmen into a movie!

Anywho... heres the box office numbers from this past weekend

Watchmen (Warner Bros.) $55.7 million - opening weekend
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail (Lionsgate) $8.8 million - 3 wk total $76.5m
Taken (20th Century Fox) $7.5 million - 6 wk total $118.0m
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight) $6.9 million - 17 wk total $125.4m
Paul Blart Mall Cop (Sony) $4.2 million - 8 wk total $133.6m
He's Just Not That Into You (Warner Bros.) $4.0 million - 5 wk total $84.6m
Coraline (Focus Features) $3.3 million - 5 wk total $65.7m
Confessions of a Shopaholic (Disney) $3.1 million - 4 wk total $38.4m
Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience (Disney) $2.8 million - 2 wk total $38.4m
Fired Up (Sony) $2.6 million - 3 wk total $13.4m

Why Would Anybody Want To See Jacko?

Okay, this fucker officialy scares me now.

I don't give two shits what he did in his past. We all know the 80's belong to this fool, and yes, his albums were, and are influential and yadda yadda.

But the guy sleeps with children and looks like a botox infused Asian woman. And his nose is falling off according to several reports. So tell me this... WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO SEE HIS CONCERT?

I don't know who i'm talking to, because I can't fathom anybody having a burning desire to see this freakshow in concert. For me, it would be like going to the circus if i had a fear of clowns. I have Jackophobia. I am afraid that I will ever run into this dude. He's scary

*shudders* x a million

Those people screaming for him are obviously all schizophrenics who have been continuously sedated for the past 20 years.

Asslee... I Mean Ashlee Simpson Is Set To Be On Melrose Place 2.0

(I know it's an old pic, but I like to think of this bitch with her old Titanic shaped nose)

It's almost difficult for me to say Ashlee Simpson now instead of Asslee Simpson. All of the gossip blogs call her Asslee, and as you can probably tell, I read way too many gossip blogs.

Well anyass... Jessica's little sister is set to be one of the stars on the new version of Melrose Place.

haha. HAhahahAHahahahaHAHahahaha (my laugh is varying from "that's really funny" to "that's amusing.")

I'm not one to make assumptions, and i've never seen the shit show straight to dvd movie Asshole Simpson was in... but I GUARA-FUCKIN-TEE This whore can't act. Fuck, she can't even lip sync the right song.

And why are they making a new Melrose Place. WTF? You can't just redo a concept and call it the same name as an old show. IT'S A DIFFERENT FUCKING SHOW! G-d Dammit. Seriously. God, I am asking you to damn this show.

It's bad enough that they did this shit to 90210 (wtf is the use of having 90210 without Brandon Walsh?) and now they're going to do it to another show. Aaron Spelling is turning over in his grave.

Sunday Morning Shoutout: Kum And Go

This Sunday Morning Shoutout goes out to my next door neighbor and good friends over at Kum and Go!

If it weren't for your $1 sandwiches and janky ass microwave, I'd never eat.

And when they say $1, they mean 1.00. Not 1.05, or 1.07, or whatever. I can't even count how many times my bashful ass has refrained from getting a double cheese at McDonalds because I only had $1. They freaking tease you. 99 cents my ass.