Saturday, January 31, 2009

John Mayer, you should try this!

I only wish that John Mayer's beautiful smug asshole was getting the smack down laid on him by a cop.

He's totally the kind of idiot who would go flip off a cop.

"Waiting on the world to change"

I'm Loving It... But Jessica is Not

I'm sorry Jessi"fat" Simpson, but I think the whole fat contraversy is hilarious. I mean, i've known a few girls to get fat in the day, and sure, everyone talks about it, but when it happens to Jessica "Is Tuna Chicken" Simpson, it's just too amazing.

I don't see why the Brilliant Blonde even gives a shit. She's got tons of money and she's smarter than Einstein! Why doesn't she just tell everyone to F*$# off and shove another fifty dollar burger down her throat, that would make everything better.(I wonder what kind of mayonaisse Jessica puts on her burgers? I like garlic flavored.)

Besides, if skinny little bitch Ashley ever gets ahead of herself, Jessica can just go back in the books and show her whats what. Jessica is the reason Ashlee is famous at all.

If it weren't for Jessica, Ashlee would still me poking bitches eyes out with that ten gallon nose of hers!

Jessica, just love your fat ass. I'm sure you and Tony can stay up all night eating barbecue ribs and sweet buttered cornbread.


By the way, the burger with all the wonderful onion rings on it, is the U.K.s most expensive burger. They sell it at Burger King and it costs 85 pounds ($170!). I think it would be well worth it.

File this under: WHO GIVES A F$#@!

Danity Kane, Puffy's Making the Band girl group, has broken up.

Member Dawn Richard said,"As of right now, [Danity Kane doesn't exist]. It's devastating for me."

Poor Dawn. For one, I couldn't tell you who she was if I had a picture of the group in front me (Even if you took out the luciuos tomato known as Aubrey O'Day). Also, I doubt that Puffy gives two shits about this group going on.

The only thing Puffy cares about is money and fashion.... well, maybe just one thing.

Danity Kane wasn't the shittiest group ever, but they were pretty take it or leave it.

I guess Puffy decided to leave that shit.

Besides, the only girl group that ever really mattered on the Bad Boy Label was Dream.

OMG! I loved Dream. I wanted to be a member of Dream. I would have bought their CD if it weren't for the whole "I swear I'm straight" attitude I was going for at 13 years old.

Here's the lovely ladies of Dream doing their thing in the This Is Me remix video.

fuck it, I'm posting He Loves U Not too, because I love both of them almost as much as I love Casey's Pizza.

If you don't know what Casey's Pizza is, it's a gas station pizza chain that's only in the Mid-West. It might just be in Iowa. But they have a canadian bacon pizza, where there is an entire layer of canadian bacon.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Brit Brit tells Adnan to Stay the Hell Away

This brings the OMG's for sure.

Britney just filed a restraining order against her ex boyfriend Adnan!


Him and Brit were they best couple ever in the history of couples. They were both completely out of their fucking minds and in love with paparazzi. Adnan is a fucking paparazzi (or he was until they started sending him death threats.).

All I'm saying is that these two hoes belong together.

Brit, I love you no matter what, but I really think you liked Adnan.

Oh yeah, and Sam Sam Lufti was named as well as someone who, with Adnan, was trying to conspire against Brit "in a way that would have been extremely harmful to her."

Dude, fuck that.

Brit Brit loves doing things that are harmful to her. They probably were like "Hey brit, we have some PURPLE DRANK" and before she could go, Pepaw Spears stuck another hypodermic needle full of anti-psychotics in her ass.

I mean, I'm glad Brit's got her shit together, but Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!

Miley Cyrus is Jail Bait if I Ever Saw It

But lucky for you, Paparazzi are, and 16 year old Miley Cyrus loves to show her shit.

Egotastic posted some pictures of some Miley Cyrus side boob that some of you may want to check out. I was pretty surprised, Miley's side boob is a lot bigger than I though it would be.

I'll be she picked out that outfit thinking how much sideboob she would be showing.

Click Here for the pics

Thursday, January 29, 2009

This is what I did this afternoon

Paris, Stop Lying. We all Know You're a Few Herpes Short of an Outbreak.

Paris Hilton, whose in London being the BWF (Biggest Whore Forever) to everyone, is trying to convince people that she's NOT stupid.

Let me repeat. Paris says she isn't dumb.


Ms. Legs Wide Open for Business said, "For five seasons I was stuck doing this character. It was kind of hard always having to play that character when it's not who I am."

She also said, "I just say jokes but they think I'm serious, which I think is funny...."

I don't have time to take this too seriously, but just so I can prove my point, I'm going to post a couple of Paris' interviews below.

You be the judge.

Seriously. Dumb as a rock.

RIP John Updike

John Updike, author of A&P, died of lung cancer on Thursday.

Born in Pennsylvania, John Updike graduated from Harvard summa cum laude (that's really good) with a degree in English.

His stories have inspired since the 60's and they continue to do so today. |

He is a staple in American fiction.

His last name is slightly hilarious, too.


If you've gotten any satisfaction from reading this trashtastic blog, then I ask you...


Thanks. and here's a little vintage Brad to show my appreciation.

Kim Kardashian... STFU

So Kim "My ass is the size of Alaska" Kardashian had to open her stupid fat lips, emit air, and vibrate her vocal chords once more. KK had to chime in on the whole Jessica Simpson fat ass fiasco.

Khloe Kardashian's older sister said this, ""I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous." Kimmy, I think you need your eyes checked.

Wait No! You need your brain checked if you think that Jessica's Mom Pants outfit was anything but apalling.

Let's just throw Kim and Jessica both into a big tub of Hostess Cupcakes, where they will eat themselves to death. They will probably have to fight to the death, though, cause Kim's big ass isn't going to share with Jessica's fat derriere.

It will be the battle of the asses!


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Samantha Jones Goes Lesbian

I Don't REALLY Like This

For some reason, I can't fully decide how much this cover of Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" sucks. It was done by the uncomparable (uncomparably bad) singer Scarlett Johanson.

It sort of makes me want to tell her face to shut itself with some rubber cement. But I guess maybe Scarface is getting better?

Maybe I'm losing my edge!

Fuck Scarlett anyway. Here's the most beautiful song out right now. It's off of Britney's Circus album and it's called "Out From Under."

Brit Brit is deeeeeep!

I have a Heart On For Kevin Zegers

So I just found out that Kevin Zegers is going to be in the new remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Oh yeah, and Hilary "I'm too good for drugs" Duff is going to be in this bitch, too.

I have been in love with Kevin ever since I saw the original Air Bud when I was like 10.

The Air Bud movies are absolute masterpieces! They have everything you could ever want in a movie. (1) Kevin Zegers. (2) A Golden Retriever. (3) A Golden Retriever who plays sports and wears cute little doggy uniforms.

If anybody cares to disagree with me, then they need to look below.

Also, some funny ass shit. When they told Faye Dunaway that Hilary Duff was going to be playing her role, she replied, "Couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?"

Sorry Duffy, but you're no Meryl Streep!

Is There Anybody That Really Cares About These Douchebags?

Okay, so they're both beautiful, really rich, and famous, but why do I care more about the rocks that get caught in the spaces underneath my shoe? (I do love to pick them out.)

So, while US Weekly is saying that these two avocados (just go with it) have quit each other, Star magazine says that they're still bumping each other's pits.

John's car was spotted parked at Aniston's house all night long. Jen probably just bought the exact car and had a replica of his license plate made so it LOOKED like they were still dating. She probably even have some sort of John look alike that drives it away every now and then, just to keep it all real.

In reality, we all know that Jen was crying, watching her screener of Benjamin Buttons. She really starts balling when they make Papa Pitt look 20.

"Me wants Bwad bwad's peepy," she probably cries into a gallon of Costco marble vanilla ice cream.

I wish I was at a CostCo right now. I seriously used to go there for lunch. There are free samples at every corner, so it's like a smorgasbord of imitation crab salad, saugsages, and cheese sqaures (mmm. imitation crab salad!)


This is fuckery. Cute cute fuckery.

Ed and Nina Otto paid some Korean Lab $155,000 to clone their dying dog Lancelot.

Yes, you read that right. 155,000 fucking dollars.

He might have been special, but fuck, why not take a trip around the world, or give it to some poor hobo child! Fuck, just give me the money and I'll crawl around on your floor and lick my nuts for a few years. And I'm already pretty much house broken.

They called their new cloned pup Encore Lancelot. How fucking original.

At least Encore Lancelot is a bundle of sweet sweet puppy kisses.

I wonder how much it will cost to have me cloned when I need it?

I posted another heart warming story about a doggie name Kujo below. This one didn't cost anybody anything more than some dog food. Although, that shit is expensive these days.

Ashlee Asshole Simpson needs to Shut Her Stupid Mouth

"Damn, look at Jessica's huge ass!"

So some fattie mcFatFat pictures of Jessica Simpson are making the rounds and the "super talented" younger sister of Jessica, Ashlee, decided to open up her stupid bitchy mouth

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

Ashlee should never try and be diplomatic. The only thing she's good for really, is being a total bitch to McDonalds employees (see below).

Besides, women totally love to read about celebrities getting fat. It makes them feel better about eating an entire box of ice cream bon bons, or oreos (or for some of you big mamas, both).

Remember when Ashlee's nose use to be a big fattie? How can someone who had their entire face reconstructed be surprised that society is concerned with image.

I say, if you're fat, fuck it. Eat it up. Wear assless chaps. Stuff your mouth with delicious potato salad and totino's party pizzas (I love Totino's Party Pizza's more than I love my own parents, sorry mom and dad).

As long as Asshole Simpson shuts her big fat mouth, we have no problem.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

PETA Wants You To Have Sex With Vegetables

This PETA ad, which was supposed to air during the Super Bowl, has been banned by NBC because it's too racy.

I don't see a problem with it. I think if one woman and one vegetable really love each other, then they should definitley commit some type of fornication.

If you were wondering, I'd totally get nasty with a carrot.

I swear I've seen a dick that looked just like the carrot below. It was this dude I met in West Hollywood. He was ripped, and maybe on steroids.

DONT DO STEROIDS! You might end up with a carrot peen!

Speaking of carrot peens:

Coach Fired after 100-0 win

This is some funny shit.

The Covenant School girls basketball coach, Micah Grimes (above) was fired after he encouraged and allowed his team to destroy, demolish, and flush down the toilet, Dallas Academy.

The Covenant School girls basketball team wiped the floor with The Dallas Academy, 100-0 which wasn't exactly a surprise.

The Dallas Academy team hasn't won a game in four years. I'm pretty sure they are semi retarded. For one, The Academy brags about being able to teach those with learning disabilities, and two, they havent won a game in four years and they still have a team.

Can you imagine trying out for a team that hasn't won a game in four years? There's no way they could cut you from the team because they can't get any worse.

I'd take massive bong rips before I went to practice, because what harm could it possibly do? It's like beating a dead whale. A big stupid dead whale.

Palin For Prez in 2012!? It really may be the end of the world.

Oh, HELL NO! This biatch needs to go away. She needs to not ever be on my television screen again. She should even step down from her position as Governor and move into a house for people with disabilities, cause this bitch's brain is one double fist sized disability.

Check out her PAC website and go throw up in the toilet after words.

Actually, throw up all over your screen, all over Stupid Sarah's stupid website.

This woman is a horrible person. She lacks a fudnamental intelligence that makes her 100% incapable of being a good leader. She's corrupt as all hell (troopergate, babygate, I'm-a-stupid-fucking-idiot-gate,etc. etc.)

I don't care what she looks like, I feel like she's my Jewish Grandmother telling me to find a nice Jewish girl.

Two different worlds. No possibility of agreeing.

Here's Keith Olbermann laying it out for you.

Anna Wintour to Quit that "Vogue" Bitch

The New York Post's Page Six says that Anna Wintour (think Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, cause that character is based on Anna) might be leaving her position as Head Bitch in Charge (HBIC) of Vogue Magazine.

This is only news because Anna is the bitchiest of all bitches, and because of that, she deserves respect.

Besides, if you fuck with her, or show her any potential disrepect, she'll do one of three things: (1) She'll tell everybody whatever you're wearing is "sooooo last season." (2) She'll breathe fire in your face, singing your eyebrows so horribly small that you'll be wearing lip liner on your brows for months. (3) She'll die.
This bitch looks like she's really fragile. It looks like if you shake her hand the wrong way she might just break up into a million shards of glass.

In any case, Wintour is a goddess. She's probably even bitchier than the world's biggest bitch (Madonna), and that's enough for me to want to lick her old mama tatas.

She also makes a reported $2 million a year, so while i was giving her chi chis the oral treatment, I would have to take a look in her purse and pull out some vicodin and money. You know that bitch has TONS of vicodin in her purse.

"Thriller" on Broadway?

So Michael "I swear I don't touch children... innappropriatley" Jackon's 80's hit music video/song might be headed for Broadway.

James L. Nederlander, veteran Broadway producer, said “I love the idea of making ‘Thriller’ a musical. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy has big secret, now what…”

I know I won't go see this, but that's because I would never spend any significant amount of money on the theater when I could just smoke some pot and watch Sandra Bullock movies on FX (my fav is The Net. That shit is freaky!)

I wonder what Jacko is even thinking? Is he just waiting for his nose to fall off? Is he hoping that the show plays across from an elementary school?

I'll bet he constantly worries, when he is eating, that he's going to accidentally eat his own nose. There's no way he can feel that shard of plastic attached to his face anymore, and it would completely blend in with many kinds of soup, and and sort of chicken dish.

Though I bet it doesn't taste like chicken.

Monday, January 26, 2009

That Ape is talented

Their band's cover of Electric Feel is spot on!

Stoners Keep McDonalds Rich

Just sit for a moment and allow your eyes to indulge on the sweetness of a McDonalds 99 cent double cheeseburger. Nobody knows if it's the delicious "fried in lard" taste that makes it so scrumptious, or the glorious price of 99 cents.

So apparantley, McDonalds profits have jumped 80% over the past year. Let me just tell you, I work another job blogging about the economy, and this is a fucking feat.

I imagine (or do I remember?) stoners swarming to McDonald's and filling their cars with McChickens, Double Cheeseburgers, and apple pies (and sundaes, and small drinks, and small fries).

I think I know how Mickey D's did it. Now, when you go to McDonalds after the inside store closes, they only serve a VERY limited menu. No McChickens, no apple pies, and i hate to say it, but yes, no double cheeseburgers.

So not only does your ass have to pay two extra dollars for a quarter pounder, but you can't even enjoy the sanctity of a double cheeseburger. WTF?!

Maybe the whole country is in recession because of this. When everybody is baked or hammered at 2 a.m. and they pull over thinking they're going to spend $1.05 on a value menu item, they get fucked and have to start using their credit cards to pay.

And that shit will add up!

That being said, I have thought about living off of double cheeseburgers. I'd probably have to put a layer of wax around my asshole to keep it from burning off, but hell, double cheeseburgers are BOSS!

Mickey Rourke Set to Become A Wrestler

I find this to be a titillating story.

Mickey Rourke, who is on track to pick up the best actor oscar for his work in The Wrestler is actually going to try his hand at wrestling.

Accoridng to Rourke, "The boys from the WWE called me and asked me to do it. I said, 'I want to.' I'm talking with Rowdy Roddy Piper about it... Chris Jericho, you better get in shape, because I'm coming after your ass."

Now this is what I call decent family entertainment. Watching two freaks of nature duke it out in speedos.

I just hope that Rourke's face doesn't completely fall off. Speaking of his face, how the hell can he be in the sun? Won't his face melt off? It looks like it's already started to, actually.

I just hope he'll be kind enough to recycle the material it's made from and not pour it down the drain!

Paul Blart! WTF?

Here are this past weekend's box office results

Paul Blart Mall Cop (Sony) $21.5 million - 2 wk total $64.8m
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (Sony) $20.7 million - opening weekend
Gran Torino (Warner Bros.) $16.0 million - 7 wk total $97.6m
Hotel for Dogs (Paramount) $12.4 million - 2 wk total $37.0m
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight) $10.6 million - 11 wk total $55.9m
My Bloody Valentine 3D (Lionsgate) $10.1 million - 2 wk total $37.7m
Inkheart (Warner Bros.) $7.7 million - opening weekend
Bride Wars (Fox) $7.0 million- 3 wk total $48.7m
Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The (Paramount) $6.0 million, 5 wk total $111.0m
Notorious (Fox Searchlight) $5.7 million - 2 wk total $31.8m

I am exremely dissapointed with you America. For the second weekend in a row, the top movie in this great nation has been Paul Blart Mall Cop.

Though I have not seen this movie, I can assure you that it is crap and whoever saw it will probably be tortured in some circle of hell (as if seeing it wasn't bad enough).

Movie critic darling, and food enthusaist, Roger Ebert had this to say, "It's as slam-bang preposterous as any R-rated comedy you can name. It's just that Paul Blart and the film's other characters don't feel the need to use the f-word as the building block of every sentence."

I don't know what you mean by Slam-bang Roger, but for me, that involves banging.
And what kind of movie doesn't use the f-word! WTF? What kind of un realistic fantasy world is the movie trying to convey.

You know what I say: Fuck you Paul Blart. Fuck you, and you're stupid name, and you're stupid job. Fuck fuck fuckles fucksworth you.

Dang, bitches. Start seeing better movies.

Lucy Liu was on 90210

I was reading her Wikipedia when I noticed that she was on a 2nd season episode of 90210. Of course I immediately went to youtube and dug it out.

I almost couldn't tell it was her, but she was the only asian in the scene. I wonder if Brandon boned her? Probably. She was probably begging for some of that Preistly peen.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Beautiful Britney Song - Out From Under

Buy this album guys.

It's sooo good.

Another Sienna Miller Interview

It's Not Easy Being Green

The Puppy Bowl!

This is last year's Puppy Bowl. I hope it will tide over all of you football fans until the Super Bowl.

Personally, I see no need for football when you have the Puppy Bowl.

I just wanna snuggle with all of them so bad!

Babies Are Evolving

This scares me just a little bit. I mean, it's great that babies are capable of swimming. But being that this is the first time i've ever seen it actually happen, I am bit shocked.

And also, what the hell were they doing encouraging that baby to fall in the pool?

Did they throw him in there? WTF?! Did they put his toys in the pool and lure him into the pool.

"C'mon baby. Do your trick and don't die."

I bet the camera man's fingers were crossed. I hope they at least paid that childs parents a good amount of money for risking its life. Or maybe that guy at the end showing the baby how to swim is the kids father.

It's perfectly normal for parents to pimp out their kids in any way possible in order to make an extra buck.

Dunst + Hartnett = sexy times

Some fool saw these two canoodling (that is my favorite word) at some sushi restaurant.

They were probably canoodling over some california rolls, or some dynamite rolls, or some yellow tail rolls.

I want some sooooshi!

Anyway, I sorta always suspected Kirsten REALLY liked fish... if you know what I mean.

She's just got this, "I don't care about men, I love women," vibe going on.

But i guess if anyone could turn her, it'd be Josh Hartnett.

I wonder if he can be turned?

This is what I order when I go to sushi:

Mia Kirshner is 34! WTF?!?!

Yes, this hot piece is 34 years of age now.

She plays a damn good lesbian on The L Word!

Brit Brit's Set List

Here is the set list to Brit Brit's up coming World Tour for Circus

Break The Ice video
Shattered Glass

ACT 2:
Mona Lisa video
Lucky (soul)
Medley: My Prerogative / Oops!... I Did It Again
Kill The Lights
Piece of Me

ACT 3:
Amy / club
If U Seek Amy video
Do Somethin' / Freakshow medley
Get Naked
Me Against The Music video (possible Madonna appearance)
Slave 4 U / Mannequin medley
If U Seek Amy (2 versions)

ACT 4:
Blur video
Unusual You
Mmm Papi

ACT 5:
My Baby, piano
Sometimes, choir?
Out From Under

ACT 6:
It's Britney, bitch video
Gimme More
Baby One More Time
Circus (encore)

Crackie Update: Winehouse Might Lose Millions in Divorce

Amy Winehouse wrote herself a crackie letter to her crackhead boyfriend, and now it might cost her millions in divorce court.

Blaaake's lawyers will argue that he was an instrumental part of her success.

Blaaake's mom says, “Amy’s been incredibly cruel with her comments. It was so unnecessary. This love letter completely contradicts what she’s been saying. It will be an important part of his divorce case.”

Some random legal expert said “The letter could prove pivotal as it proves how important Blake was to Amy’s career. By the time the case gets to court Amy could be worth as much as £12 million (approx US $16.5 million) and realistically Blake could end up with a quarter of that.”

Blaake is going to be having some pretty fun crack parties when he gets out of jail.

I hate to say it, but I don't feel bad for Amy. No one should, because as long as she has enough money to buy a dime sack of crack, she'll be just fine!

Here's a video of Wino at the grammys

Celebrities Smoke Weed Just Like YOU!

Now I know how everyone loves to see famous people smoking weed, so I compiled a few pictures for your viewing enjoyment.

Here's Cameron D. smoking a G.

Seth Rogen smoking up.

Paris gets blazed with her little sister.

Mischa Barton smoking a joint

Freaking Duh.

Here is Steve-O smoking out of a soda can.

Wikipedia is saying NO to bullshit

Wikipedia may be considering instituting a new part to the editing process of entries. It would help safeguard the posts and would require that all updates be approved by reliable users.

The new "flagged revisions" process would allow only trusted editors to publish changes to the site immediately.

All other edits would be sent to a queue and be subject to approval by one of Wikipedia's team editors.

That's too bad, because I was really looking forward to making it look like me and Neil Patrick Harris had a brief affair in early 2000's.