So Katie Holmes walks in to this joint, a New Moon screening in New York, and she's all, talking with her friends throughout the entire movie.
Was she on the bad shit?
Maybe she was just malfunctioning. Tommy probably forgot to upgrade her to Windows 7!
Why didn't Suri lay down on this biatch?
Anyways, below is a reenactment of Katie at the scene.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
One man to one woman. This is bullshit. BULLSHIT!
As if every woman needs a man. Those 4 lovely ladies don't need those three greasy boys and their gay gay papa. They need to learn some skills! You know, some useful skills to make them productive citizens.
If you ask me, Alice was the only biznatch with any sense. That broad kept that house spic and span. That's not easy to do with SIX (count 'em), SIX ungrateful, smoking, broken nosed, jealous, stupid (the little girl), horny (greg), pubescent, and ugly (...) brats.
If you ask me, they ought to update this show and make it useful to kids today. Hit the books. Become a doctor, and don't do blow! (I'm looking at you Marcia!!!)
Those awful Brady kids could have learned a thing or two from the other on-air family.
Now I know they both sang and danced, but at least the theme song to the Partidge Family doesn't encourage prostitution!
Friday, November 13, 2009
There is now an unoffical 4th Jonas Brother. Some Spanish dude lost his cahonies and rushed the stage at a JoBro concert in Madrid.
"Ay Ay Ay. Caliente," he thought before he lost it and jumped the stage. Dude actually has some good stage presence. Much better than the ugly one, or the diabetes one, or, well, any of them actually. Give this dude a record deal!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
What is it with these "real" pictures that make food look so unappetizing.
I feel like asking what companies do to their food to make it look so appetizing is one of those questions you start to ask with vigor, and after a while, you lose interest.
WE NEED TO TAKE A STAND!
What sort of delicious chemicals are being put into commercial food and why aren't they putting them in my meal?
This is what a Quizno's commercial meatball sub looks like:
Come to think of it, for 2.99, I don't care what it looks like.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The oldie lady with the large vv is the newest Real Housewife of New York, replacing the newly departed Bethenny Frankel, who is now set to appear in her won Bravo show. That'll show those other bitches that Bethenny and her "parting of the red sea" hair can do whatever they want. The newbie's name is Sonja somethingorother. Really, who gives a shit? (not me!!!!!! I swear. Don't look at me like that!)
Rumor has it that Bethenny and Jill Zarin, of the Housewives of New York, are no longer talking since Frankel's split from the show. Jealous much? Uh.. duh.
Jill is probably squeezing out the last of her worry lines with botox as we speak.
Poor, poor, rich ho.
If you ask me, they should have just replaced Bethenny with Beaker the muppet. It would have been much more interesting. Finally, there would be someone with something to say. And more dramz!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Cure's "Pictures Of You"
I'm just sorry I couldn't find a better image of it. The new aerosol toothpaste from Aquafresh kills 3X the bacteria in your mouth, and it feels like you're brushing your teeth with cloudy foamy goodness. It fills your mouth with so much delight that you'll wake up in the morning looking forward to brushing your teeth. It'll literally revolutionize the way you think about toothpaste.
Forget the messy tubes that look unsightly halfway through their usage. This lovely aerosol can fits neatly on your counter and remains in pristine form from start to finish.
Everything from the taste to the texture will leave your teeth and mouth feeling extra fresh.
GET THIS TOOTHPASTE.
And no, i'm not being paid by aquafresh. Why the fuck would they pay me to pimp their product out to the 3 people and 2 cats (don't ask) who read my blog/
Sunday, September 20, 2009
This is one sharp tranny. Jalia Simms is a contestant on Diddy's "Making His Band" and she's telling it like it is to all the broke ass hos who be playing games.
Listen to the wisdom coming from Miss Sims.
Yes. Yes it is.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
So here we have the trailer to the highly anticipated (????) rehearsal footage of what was to be Michael Jackson's final performance.
I can't be sure what to make of this. At the end of the day, one has to consider that it is a theatrical release of rehearsal footage. Unprecedented much?
Also, it wasn't going to be Jackson's best performance either. He was 50, drug addled (he looks damn skinny), and by no means in top form.
I think what it will do for people, is give them that glimpse into the Michael Jackson that existed directly before his death. I think people are most interested to know who THAT particular recluse was (as opposed to a younger Michael). We want to see his fall from grace... and yes, at the same time, we are all hoping to see at least a sliver of the world-class performer that was Michael Jackson.
Wonder how it'll do.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Kid chilling G-style in Iraq.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Yes. It is 100% true that Michael Jackson is, without a hint of doubt, alive and well. As you can clearly see in this video, MJ hops out of that coroners van and is escorted into the doorway by an executioner from medieval England.
Seeing is believing. And here you have it. MJ, the King of Pop, The Magical Music Maker, and lover of little boys everywhere, is still dancing.
The picture below clearly demonstrates how certain tabby cats are immune to gravity.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
If Mario and Luigi were gay lovers living during the 1980's in the Phillipines (which they were), then here is the glamour shots they took at the mall.
I'm going to take this picture and put it in place of my family's 1997 family portrait. I'm going to place this in a frame on the edge of my table at work. I like to surround myself with beautiful things. And if these aren't beautiful...
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The beauty that is the burquini, which is being sported in the photograph above, has been DENIED!
A woman, only identified as Carole claims she was not allowed into a public pool in Emerainville, France, while dressed in her fabulous "burquini."
The reason: too dirty.
Officials at the pool told Carole it was for sanitary reasons. That didn't sit well (unlike the burquini, which sits like a dream!)
"For me this is nothing but segregation," Carole told said.Le Parisien, a Parisian daily.
I don't see what could be any nastier about this than an old Frenchy's balls hanging out of a speedo. It's reminscient of the good old days when women were modest, and wore even MORE clothing in the pool than out of it.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Yes, they're name is The Miss Lolitas. And if you live in LA, you are about to crack the fuck up.
Check out the Toyota of North Hollywood and Jack in the Box cameos these lolitas (how old are they? I hope I don't get arrested for this post.) make in their video for "Party Starters."
I don't even think these chicks are old enough to party. But shit... don't get made on them cause they're so free!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Well world, we have a nother famegrubbing, Sarah Larson loving, Ashley Dupree on our hands and her name is Jude Law's Babymamma. Her real name is Samantha Burke, and surprise surprise, she's an actress and a model. I can hear the collective sigh of actress/models all over hollywood. They've been holding their stomachs, they've stopped drinking and smoking, because they were all hoping to be named Jude Law's baby mama. (That's how those putas think.)
Don't worry ladies, I hear Spaghetti Cat is still looking for a pussy to impregnate.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
I just discovered this drink a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if they carry it everywhere, but they sure as hell do carry it at the liquor next to my work.
It's the most amazery antioxidant drink hullaballoo i've ever let drip between my lips (....)
You see the blue caps? Those things carry vitamin powder. When you twist the blue part, the flavored vitamin powder fills up the yucky plain water and you then you have yourself a low cal fruity beverage that is also fruity!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sick. Amazing. Wtf? Scary?
Apparantley these giant jellyfish are terrorizing coastal cities in Japan.
But it's not what you think.
The giant jellyfish are tearing the expensive fishing nets that are the foundation for many of these small villages economies.
The only current solution is an alert system that lets fisherman know when there are giant jellies in the water. They still lose the catch, but.. eh. yah know.
They look like Brit Brit circa Adnan
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Like the Great Britney Spears did before her, Mischa Barton has landed herself a 5150 deal.
What? A deal, you say. That must be a good thing!
A 5150 is a court ordered psychiatric evaluation (moreorless) because one has been deemed incapable of caring for them self.
Our little Mischa is growing up? (WTF?)
Yes, it is true. Obama has forgot about the gays.
He is totally being a homophobe.
He should back the gays FULLY and 100 percent, and face the utter reality that
A HUGE PORTION OF THIS COUNTRY AND THE WORLD THINK GAYS BURN IN HELL FOR THEIR IMMORALITY.
Folks, my fellow gays, my fellow gay Americans, my fellow straight americans, Black Americans... every fucking stupid bullshit name you want to give yourself...
The point is not to fight against the hate, but to fight with the hope.
The emmy nominations are in... SPICY! And one of my favorite TV bitches is nominated.
I think we should all write to congress that (1) Elizabeth Perkins (Celia on Weeds) should win the emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy and (2) That ENTOURAGE will not win ANY AWARDS.
I can't say that Entourage rubs any part of my body the right way. It feels kind of like a really sticky deodorant, that smells like cheap Cologne.
Anyway. If Weeds does win the emmy's, isn't it sort of mandatory to celebrate with bong rip?
Here are the nominations:
(the interesting ones anyways)
Outstanding Comedy Series
Flight Of The Conchords
How I Met Your Mother
Outstanding Drama Series
Outstanding Guest Actor In A Comedy Series
Steve Martin - 30 Rock
Jon Hamm - 30 Rock
Alan Alda - 30 Rock
Beau Bridges - Desperate Housewives
Justin Timberlake - Saturday Night Live
Outstanding Guest Actor In A Drama Series
Edward Asner - CSI: NY
Ted Danson - Damages
Jimmy Smits - Dexter
Ernest Borgnine - ER
Michael J. Fox - Rescue Me
Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy Series
Jennifer Aniston - 30 Rock
Elaine Stritch - 30 Rock
Gena Rowlands - Monk
Betty White - My Name Is Earl
Tina Fey - Saturday Night Live
Christine Baranski - The Big Bang Theory
Outstanding Guest Actress In A Drama Series
Sharon Lawrence - Grey's Anatomy
Ellen Burstyn - Law & Order: SVU
Brenda Blethyn - Law & Order: SVU
Carol Burnett - Law & Order: SVU
CCH Pounder - The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency
Outstanding Host For A Reality Program
Ryan Seacrest - American Idol
Tom Bergeron - Dancing with the Stars
Heidi Klum - Project Runway
Jeff Probst - Survivor
Phil Keoghan - The Amazing Race
Padma Lakshmi & Tom Colicchio - Top Chef
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock
Jemaine Clement - Flight of the Conchords
Tony Shalhoub - Monk
Jim Parsons - The Big Bang Theory
Steve Carell - The Office
Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Bryan Cranston - Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall - Dexter
Hugh Laurie - House
Gabriel Byrne - In Treatment
Jon Hamm - Mad Men
Simon Baker - The Mentalist
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Tina Fey - 30 Rock
Christina Applegate - Samantha Who?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - The New Adventures of Old Christine
Sarah Silverman - The Sarah Silverman Program
Toni Collette - The United States of Tara
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Sally Field - Brothers & Sisters
Glenn Close - Damages
Mariska Hargitay - Law & Order: SVU
Elisabeth Moss - Mad Men
Holly Hunter - Saving Grace
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer
Outstanding Reality - Competition Program
Dancing With The Stars
The Amazing Race
Outstanding Reality Program
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Tracy Morgan - 30 Rock
Jack McBrayer - 30 Rock
Kevin Dillon - Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother
Rainn Wilson - The Office
Jon Cryer - Two And A Half Men
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
William Shatner, Boston Legal
Christian Clemenson - Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul - Damages
William Hurt - Damages
Michael Emerson - Lost
John Slattery - Mad Men
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Jane Krakowski - 30 Rock
Kristin Chenoweth - Pushing Daisies
Amy Poehler - Saturday Night Live
Kristin Wiig - Saturday Night Live
Vanessa Williams - Ugly Betty
Elizabeth Perkins - Weeds
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Cherry Jones - 24
Rose Byrne - Damages
Sandra Oh - Grey's Anatomy
Chandra Wilson - Grey's Anatomy
Dianne Wiest - In Treatment
Hope Davis - In Treatment
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Do you remember this guy? Come on, he was pretty big news for about, the time between lunch and a pre-dinner snack... It's Richard Hatch, the winner of the first Survivor: 1. That was all the way back where people still sort of notice you for being on it. I think the show currently is just a ride at Disney World. I wonder if they even need waivers. There's probably just little signs everywhere that says, if we exploit you at any time, you have no right to sue, bitch, or any of the profits.
Well anyway, Richard "chubby daddy" Hatch won't be allowed to embark on the Survivor 20th anniversary shindig/ exploitation party because he's basically still in jail for not paying his taxes on the million dollars he got for winning the first survivor.
Why do I think gays don't pay their taxes? They always think they're above the law. Gay mafia. Gay mafia. Gay mafia. Gay mafia. Gay mafia.
I have no idea why i kept typing that. I should really hold off on burning herbs... y'all know what i'm saying.
Here's Brit for everyone in the Gay Mafia!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Amy Winehouse has returned to the UK after staying 18 months at an island paradise, St. Lucia.
Consider the island her rehab and let's just all pretend like Amy never really had a drug problem, or a drinking problem, (or a fighting problem?). Let's just pretend like "it was just a song." That she was just thinking of an idea for a song... Yeah. That's how it goes.
Her real life pain and addiction aren't the reason she's so famous... The fact that Rehab is her only big hit in the States is COMPLETELY indicative of the fact that Amy Winehouse is of sound mind.
I'll bet her next hit revolves around the island dubi.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
This glorious rendition of Brit Brit's "...Baby One More Time" is making me feel like maybe there is hope left in this world. Maybe we can cure AIDS, solve the problems in the middle east. Maybe Lindsay Lohan can get her career back!
Well, maybe the first two.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I think we should amp up the Michael Jackson coverage by a thousand percent. Anything to get Silly Sarah Palin off of my TV.
I'm pretty sure my television is about to break itself every time Silly says something like "we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time."
If I ever saw a politician spit some lame ass lie, this was it.
Tell me, if you can effect positive change outside of government, then whats with all the presidential talk?
Whatever. If she becomes president, then they better legalize marijuana...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
According to the owner of a sex toy shop in Tarzana, CA (southern CA) Carradine ordered "women's lingerie, stockings, a few pieces of bondage equipment and three bondage DVDs," along with some backordered items that he was supposed to come retrieve at a later time.
It would have been nice for Carradine to have lived, and then published his memoirs: Kung Fu and Fish Nets.
Monday, June 8, 2009
David Carradine's family is not budging from their stance that Carradine's death was the result of foul play. Mark Geragos, uber-celebrity lawyer told Larry King that David was attempting to bust mafia groups in the martial-arts underworld.
Translation: Ninjas killed David Carradine. (Where was Uma Thurman?)
According to Geragos, "David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secre societies." Ninjas, of course, are part of a secret society.
And only Ninjas would be smart enough to make it look like David died accidentally during some cooky sexy times.
The photo that was supposedly of David had a blacked out face and blacked out peen peen. The family said they would sue if the photo if anyone else tries to publish the pic.
Carradine's death was eerily consistent to his movie persona. Except for the whole kinky sex games thing.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
For the bazillionth time, Heidi and Spencer Prick are trying to get out of Costa Rica and back to papparazzi lined streets of LA.
This time, Helium Head Heidi is claiming that she has a gastric ulcer. Turns out Heidi couldn't even stomach herself any longer.
I don't know whether I feel bad for Heidi or the ulcer?
I don't know what to say about these two. I don't feel like any sort of logical reaction will make any sense to them. Heidi and Spencer only react in one way to anything. Spencer plots revenge while Heidi has the Andy Griffith theme song on repeat in her head.
Friday, June 5, 2009
David Carradine, of Kung-Fu and Kill Bill fame, died a couple of days ago in a Thailand hotel.
Some reports say he committed suicide (SUCIO!) while others report that Carradine died in pursuit of the perfect orgasm.
The Bangkok Post reported that his body was found curled up in the wardrobe with a shoelace tied around his genitals and neck.
While a police official said he was found in his closet, hanged.
I don't know who to believe, but what I would like to know is:
What are the odds of surviving that kind of sexy times?
Anybody ever try it? I'll bet that's what Jon Gosselin gets off to. He probably wasn't into it until Kate had all those babies and got all crazy in the brains.
(If you didn't know, Kate's brains don't exist in her skull like everyone else. They are actually external and in the shape of a dead possum which doubles as her hair.)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The tubby man with the jerry curl spikes to your left is not only Jennifer Hudson's Hubby-to-be, but he's also the father of her baby to be.
Yes, oscar-winner and foodie Jennifer Hudson is bearing the fruit of Punk from I Love New York 2's loins.
David Otunga (Punk) is one lucky bastard.
And fortunately for his future offspring, he/she won't be a bastard. Hudson and Punk are also engaged.
This must give all sorts of hope to all the skank rejects of Rock of Love and the man hoes of I Love Daisy and I Love New York... especially after that disappointing realization that they will inevitably face when they realize they contracted
Herpes, Syphillis, Crabs, and gangrene peens and chi chis.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
You have to admit one thing when it comes to Lindsay Lohan: She's famous. Hounded by the paps day in and day out as she parties with her token red bull (or coke) and that "I'm the fucking shit" look on her freckled face.
She's an exotic beauty in the entertainment industry: deep red hair and freckles, she's a ginger by all accounts. So how did she become the "lindsay" to beat all other Lindsays? How did she make people care about her life?
Bein a bitch.
Shit, straight up.. This ho is a brokeback motha fuckin slim-pickin afta centric weave lady.
Stop doing drugs. Or don't.
But please... Stop bein a fuckin crazy bitch, lIndsay.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I don't know what was wrong with me, but there is only one picture of a cat in a funny position that can fill the void in my peen. (oww.)
And that is you Cheesecat.
Fascinating Cat, It's not that I don't love you, I just love Cheesecat more.
Umm.. I'm not even sure this post, or this story was necessary. If you've ever even caught a glimpse of American Idol, you can see the sunshine Vicodin haze that gathers around Paula.
I always assumed that there was some sort of morphine drip underneath the judging table, or some smashed up good stuff in her COCA COLA cup.
Paula is now admitting that she had a problem with painkillers (which we ALL new), and is blaming all of her "HEY PAULA: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" antics on that.
C'mon. This woman has Never been drunk before! Still, I don't think she's ever been sober either.
Love you Paula.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Here is Lily Allen's "Fuck You" to the world from her last album.
Lily is perfect. She's woody allen-esq. I'm pretty sure she'd punch you in the face if you crossed her in the wrong way. She smokes a bazillion packs of cigs a day. And she cries at least once a month about how she hates her body and it's not fair.
Lily is an English Delight.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Em ended up in rehab after eating a methadone... on top of his 20 vicodin, ambien, and Valium.
(Btw. What do they call that planet is that?)
I want to meet the doctor who perscribed him this much vicodin, and I'd like to place an order stat for some Ambien. That shit gets your ass to sleep stat.
Well, Em, I can tell you this, No one is too surprised. Just make sure you stay away from those Beverly Hills doctors. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
PeePaw Spears is starting to scare me.
Apparently he was the one who filed the restraining order against Sam Lufti, who, as of now, can't legally contact Brit until 2012. But Sam says Brit reached out to him for help.
And i believe the little rat bastard.
C'mon, Brit is crazy for cocoa puffs. She doesn't want some old backed up PeePaw running her life and keeping her money. She wants to blow all of that money of frappucinos and tacky clothing. And she should be allowed to!
America is the land where rich people can do whatever they want. Fuck gay marraige, and fuck abortion, I say we pass a constituitional amendment to free Brit.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Miss Beatrice "Bea" Arthur has passed away today, April 25, 2009, at the young age of 86. She succumbed to cancer, which she had been battling for years.
This is truly a sad day. Bea was... so tall, and funny, and beautiful!
She was the depends that held the Golden Girls' shit together.
Bea was/is an icon. Rose and Blanche must be taken aback by all this! They are the last two left. The only one who can carry the Golden Girls torch.
I haven't fully registered any of this.
But thank you Bea. Thank you for being a friend.