Thursday, March 5, 2009

Chris Brown Faces Felony Charges... No Surprise There

Don't let the puppy or that sweet little smile fool you, this dude is a woman beater.

There ain't no way around it. No way to make it sound better. Chris Brown will beat a bitch and that's a fact.

Brown has been charged with two felonies, including assault likely to cause bodily injury and making criminal threats, according to court documents.

You know, he'll probably get some sort of deal, maybe go to jail for 72 minutes or some shit, but fuck, I think he deserves at least 6 months or more. This kid needs to be taught a lesson.

The sad facts of this case are (1) that Rihanna got back with him and (2) that he's probably going to do this again.

You know how they say "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Well, I think this saying also applies "Once a beater, always a beater."


This shit is funny.

Kristen Stewart Is The Baddest Bitch

Kristen Stewart is the shit. Seriously. She could give a fuck about any of you motherfuckers. Fuck, if she read this, she'd probably say "fuck that homo." And I'd be like, hellz yeah.

Ms. Stewart said recently, about her role in Twilight, that "It would be so easy for me to send so many hundreds of girls into such a frenzy by saying I want no part of any future [Twilight] movies."

She's damn right. She's the shit, and she knows it. I love bitches like that. When I'm drizunk, sometimes I'm like that, but my cahones (balls) are only so grande.

I like Kristen for more than her gloriously "I could give a fuck" attitude. She also smokes down.

Oh, and will somebody please tell Perez Hilton to STFU (shut the fuck up). All I want is the gossip P-fat, not your broke ass opinion. I love to hate this bitch.

In this months ELLE, Reese Witherspoon drops a hint that gays across the world are going to be reading way too much into. She actually opened her wax lips about her butt buddy Jake Gyllenhall saying "He's fabulous. He really is a fantastic guy."

A lot of us have suspected that Jakey was FABULOUS since Donnie Darko, this just confirms it. I knew it and now my peen is doing a victory dance and shouting JAKE JAKE JAKE!

No, actually, my penis still has gin and tonic dick from last night and my head feels like Khloe Kardashian sat on it all night while I was sleeping.

When will I learn... To drink a water in between drinks!