Monday, January 19, 2009

Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle

In Cat's Cradle, the narrator haplessly stumbles across the cynical, cultish figure Bokonon, who populates his religious writings with moronic, twee aphorisms. The great joke of Bokononism is that it forces meaning on what's essentially chaos, and Bokonon himself admits that his writings are lies. If the protagonist's trip to the island nation of San Lorenzo has any cosmic purpose, it's to catalyze a massive tragedy, but the experience makes him a devout Bokononist. It's a religion for people who believe religions are absurd, and an ideal one for Vonnegut-style humanists.

Britney Spears Radar is busted

Radar, a song from Britney's Blackout album, needed to be a single. Instead, it got cancelled cause the panty poppin pop princess was popping too many pills (or not enough).

It's on bonus editions of the new album, which I don't get at all.

More Annie

cause i said so.
This chick is hot. and I will seriously take her voice over Christina "I'm tacky and I don't give a fuck" Aguilera's anyday.

She's Norweigan. She's a DJ. She must be hip.


this song makes me feel like i'm in a fast pace city montage.

Chris Rock Wants Obama's Pee Pee

Some guy asked Chris Rock why he though there weren't many jokes about Obama.

"He's just one of those guys," Chris said. "You know, like Will Smith. There's no Will Smith jokes. There's no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? "Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You're such a loser." What do you say? "Ooh, your movies are big. You make $20 million." There's nothing to say about Brad Pitt."

I disagree. I'd tell Brad Pitt he was a whipped little pussy next to Angelina. And having sex with Jennifer Aniston is like having a make believe tea party with a five year old.

Jenny proly just cried whenever Brad gave her his peen pop. I love you soooo much Brad baby. I can't wait till we have kids and you don't leave me for some crazy bitch who likes to cut herself.

Oh Julia, you don't mean it.

Julia Roberts flipped her bitch the other day when a pap followed her into an Island's restaurant parking lot.

Fuck Julia, though. Islands is one of the most delicious restaurants in LA, and they make smoothies with liquor in them.

Julia needs to calm the fuck down, and stuff a fat Hawaiian Burger down her face.

It has teriyaki sauce, mayo, and a juicy pinepple.

Eating big burgers must be awesome for Julia. She probably as no trouble wrapping that mouth around a big juicy burger.

When the food comes, her husband, while cutting his burger in half, probably asks if he can taste Julia's burger. But you know that the entire thing slipped down her throat the second she laid her hand on it.

Then her husband would sigh, and then smile, thinking about how his wife gives the most epic blow jobs.

Brit Brit Spears Wants You Inside Her!

The thing I love about this song the most, is that I wonder if Brit even knew what she was singing. I'll bet she kept asking who Amy was? She probably thought it was that bitch that always sings with her on her CD's (the one we know as auto tune).

Somebody better let Brit know that she's singing some naughty things. I think they're going to black it out on the radio, which would be totally stupid.
They should really see how many men and women answer Brit's request.

Below is what the line would look like.

OMG! It's Kristen Stewart.

I like Kristen Stewart. When I look at her, I know she's just the coolest bitch. Nobody fucks with Kristen. She probably has an invisible ring around her that you just don't cross, unless you wanna get your eyes clawed out.

Shit. She could probably just look at you a certain way and you'd melt like the wicked witch of the west.

Apparantley all the pappzies love Kristen's balls. She's over in Sundance, and my friend whose there said it was like a Stewart storm Cat 4.

Tommy Boy is going to Kill Hitler himself

During an interview pit stop, Cruise told a reporter, "I've always wanted to kill Hitler. As a child, I used to wonder why someone didn't stand up and kill him."

I would have love to seem Tom Tom try and kill Adolph Hitler. He'd probably just start assualting him with scientology information, Hitler would think he was some evil Jewish alien, and then Tom Cruise would kill him with lightning that would shoot from his crazed eye balls into Hitler's asshole.

Straight from Tom's eyes, to Hitler's ass.

300 meets Care Bears

I can't wait till this movie really comes out. The only reason I ever liked the care bears was because if they had to, they could totally kick your ass with their special tummy powers.

I used to wait for their little tummies to light up and shoot out magic death rays, but I think they just made you turn happy. I need to go take some care bear pills!

Here's what Roger Clemens has been up to according to twitter.

From the twitter for RogerClemensAbout time for my late season comeback. My ass is ready for more steroids.
7:00 PM Jul 31st, 2008 from web

Screw Randy Johnson. I bet he's on steroids. 6:22 PM Jun 5th, 2008 from web

About to inject Miley Cyrus, I mean MYSELF with steroids. 2:08 PM May 6th, 2008 from web

Thinking Miley Cyrus sure is cute. 3:20 PM May 5th, 2008 from web

Cruising high school playgrounds. 2:21 PM May 5th, 2008 from web

What can I say. Lil' Rocket loves the ladies. 8:43 PM May 4th, 2008 from web

Fucking FBI. Bring it on! 3:41 PM Feb 28th, 2008 from web

By the way, I had to lie, but know that I'm the only one that injects my wife in the BUTT. Yes people. I ejaculate STEROIDS. 7:04 PM Feb 17th, 2008 from web

Hearings didn't go as well as expected. The pr

The Tool Academy

When I heard about this show, I thought to myself, isn't that the one with all the skanks in school girl uniforms?

Then my friend told me it was about a bunch of (hot) dudes drinking. And then when I saw the trailer, and saw that it was also about them getting into speedos on a regular basis, I thought, do I have any tools in my phone that I can call right now?

Below is a clip where a tool's girlfriend of 6 years confronts him with his other girlfriend or something. All I know is that tool looks like he sucks a lot of you know what.

Reposting with a sort of Translation

This is a supposed translation

"Red. Green. Blue. Ultramarine. (something, something, garbled Japanese that I can't make out...maybe "Get it today.")."

-Thanks Marty.

Oprah's "single greatest love story" is bullshit

Oprah "Sometimes Thin" Winfrey has learned yet another lesson in dupage. Herman Rosenblat, a Holocaust survivor lost his book deal, and the respect of Oprah's enormous va jay jay, after they found out he lied about having met his future wife in a concentration camp.

Sometimes Thinfrey
said it was the "single greatest love story."

what a bitch.

I don't understand these gentiles, anyway. Don't they understand that once you've been in a concentration camp you can say anything you want without being confronted. Hell, this guy could have walked out in a fucking diaper on the set of Oprah's talk show, and I woulda said more power to him.

Oprah needs a lesson in political correctness if you ask me.

Japan's Own Parody of Single Ladies

I can't remember the last time I saw a guy in a bikini, but I know it's been too long. That's why when I saw this, I went from a pissed off and burnt out, to smiling and floating like a cloud.

These "ladies" bring the elegance. There's no doubt about that. I feel the emotion in it and just want slide around, all lathered up in oil, and wrastle.

Look at those awesome flannels

I'm not sure if I ever really liked this show. But I can't say I hated it. I guess i've never really met anybody who had a really solid opinion on this show one way or the other.

I know now, that their fashion sense is of the God's. And I know I'm salivating over that guys moving tv chair.

I also don't get how people watch TV sober.

He is so important, that YOU don't have to go to school

Save the face that Martin Luther King Jr. was a rather handsome male, he was also fearless against the consequences of standing up for what he believed it. Call it cliche, but this is is a man who went to jail repeatedly and was ultimatley shot, and you know, it wasn't in vein.

You pick your battles. Like I, don't like Christina Aguilera. Never really have. Never will. I think she's a skank. But that doesn't mean, that if you love Christina, you should email me and tell me to stick a genie bottle up my arse. You should stalk me, and send me weird death threats where you involve Christina Aguilera.

You should tell all my friends what a homo i am for not liking Chirstina Aguilera. The point is, is it really that important you? If yes, imagine how important Dr. King felt his message was.

Awesomeness, yeah?

You have to watch all the Douchebags towards the end of this

I'm so happy because theres Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman, and then a bunch of douche bags.

I was thinking if i'm ever on the red carpet, I need salvia. I won't do any red carpets with out some slavia in my pocket, so i can smoke it and enter the dimension of joan rivers real face.