Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Samantha Jones Goes Lesbian

I Don't REALLY Like This

For some reason, I can't fully decide how much this cover of Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" sucks. It was done by the uncomparable (uncomparably bad) singer Scarlett Johanson.

It sort of makes me want to tell her face to shut itself with some rubber cement. But I guess maybe Scarface is getting better?

Maybe I'm losing my edge!

Fuck Scarlett anyway. Here's the most beautiful song out right now. It's off of Britney's Circus album and it's called "Out From Under."

Brit Brit is deeeeeep!

I have a Heart On For Kevin Zegers

So I just found out that Kevin Zegers is going to be in the new remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Oh yeah, and Hilary "I'm too good for drugs" Duff is going to be in this bitch, too.

I have been in love with Kevin ever since I saw the original Air Bud when I was like 10.

The Air Bud movies are absolute masterpieces! They have everything you could ever want in a movie. (1) Kevin Zegers. (2) A Golden Retriever. (3) A Golden Retriever who plays sports and wears cute little doggy uniforms.

If anybody cares to disagree with me, then they need to look below.

Also, some funny ass shit. When they told Faye Dunaway that Hilary Duff was going to be playing her role, she replied, "Couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?"

Sorry Duffy, but you're no Meryl Streep!

Is There Anybody That Really Cares About These Douchebags?

Okay, so they're both beautiful, really rich, and famous, but why do I care more about the rocks that get caught in the spaces underneath my shoe? (I do love to pick them out.)

So, while US Weekly is saying that these two avocados (just go with it) have quit each other, Star magazine says that they're still bumping each other's pits.

John's car was spotted parked at Aniston's house all night long. Jen probably just bought the exact car and had a replica of his license plate made so it LOOKED like they were still dating. She probably even have some sort of John look alike that drives it away every now and then, just to keep it all real.

In reality, we all know that Jen was crying, watching her screener of Benjamin Buttons. She really starts balling when they make Papa Pitt look 20.

"Me wants Bwad bwad's peepy," she probably cries into a gallon of Costco marble vanilla ice cream.

I wish I was at a CostCo right now. I seriously used to go there for lunch. There are free samples at every corner, so it's like a smorgasbord of imitation crab salad, saugsages, and cheese sqaures (mmm. imitation crab salad!)


This is fuckery. Cute cute fuckery.

Ed and Nina Otto paid some Korean Lab $155,000 to clone their dying dog Lancelot.

Yes, you read that right. 155,000 fucking dollars.

He might have been special, but fuck, why not take a trip around the world, or give it to some poor hobo child! Fuck, just give me the money and I'll crawl around on your floor and lick my nuts for a few years. And I'm already pretty much house broken.

They called their new cloned pup Encore Lancelot. How fucking original.

At least Encore Lancelot is a bundle of sweet sweet puppy kisses.

I wonder how much it will cost to have me cloned when I need it?

I posted another heart warming story about a doggie name Kujo below. This one didn't cost anybody anything more than some dog food. Although, that shit is expensive these days.

Ashlee Asshole Simpson needs to Shut Her Stupid Mouth

"Damn, look at Jessica's huge ass!"

So some fattie mcFatFat pictures of Jessica Simpson are making the rounds and the "super talented" younger sister of Jessica, Ashlee, decided to open up her stupid bitchy mouth

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

Ashlee should never try and be diplomatic. The only thing she's good for really, is being a total bitch to McDonalds employees (see below).

Besides, women totally love to read about celebrities getting fat. It makes them feel better about eating an entire box of ice cream bon bons, or oreos (or for some of you big mamas, both).

Remember when Ashlee's nose use to be a big fattie? How can someone who had their entire face reconstructed be surprised that society is concerned with image.

I say, if you're fat, fuck it. Eat it up. Wear assless chaps. Stuff your mouth with delicious potato salad and totino's party pizzas (I love Totino's Party Pizza's more than I love my own parents, sorry mom and dad).

As long as Asshole Simpson shuts her big fat mouth, we have no problem.