I Don't REALLY Like This

For some reason, I can't fully decide how much this cover of Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" sucks. It was done by the uncomparable (uncomparably bad) singer Scarlett Johanson.

It sort of makes me want to tell her face to shut itself with some rubber cement. But I guess maybe Scarface is getting better?

Maybe I'm losing my edge!

Fuck Scarlett anyway. Here's the most beautiful song out right now. It's off of Britney's Circus album and it's called "Out From Under."




Brit Brit is deeeeeep!

I have a Heart On For Kevin Zegers

So I just found out that Kevin Zegers is going to be in the new remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Oh yeah, and Hilary "I'm too good for drugs" Duff is going to be in this bitch, too.

I have been in love with Kevin ever since I saw the original Air Bud when I was like 10.

The Air Bud movies are absolute masterpieces! They have everything you could ever want in a movie. (1) Kevin Zegers. (2) A Golden Retriever. (3) A Golden Retriever who plays sports and wears cute little doggy uniforms.

If anybody cares to disagree with me, then they need to look below.




Also, some funny ass shit. When they told Faye Dunaway that Hilary Duff was going to be playing her role, she replied, "Couldn't they have at least cast a real actress?"

Sorry Duffy, but you're no Meryl Streep!

Is There Anybody That Really Cares About These Douchebags?

Okay, so they're both beautiful, really rich, and famous, but why do I care more about the rocks that get caught in the spaces underneath my shoe? (I do love to pick them out.)

So, while US Weekly is saying that these two avocados (just go with it) have quit each other, Star magazine says that they're still bumping each other's pits.

John's car was spotted parked at Aniston's house all night long. Jen probably just bought the exact car and had a replica of his license plate made so it LOOKED like they were still dating. She probably even have some sort of John look alike that drives it away every now and then, just to keep it all real.

In reality, we all know that Jen was crying, watching her screener of Benjamin Buttons. She really starts balling when they make Papa Pitt look 20.

"Me wants Bwad bwad's peepy," she probably cries into a gallon of Costco marble vanilla ice cream.

I wish I was at a CostCo right now. I seriously used to go there for lunch. There are free samples at every corner, so it's like a smorgasbord of imitation crab salad, saugsages, and cheese sqaures (mmm. imitation crab salad!)

CLONED PUPPY!!!!!

This is fuckery. Cute cute fuckery.

Ed and Nina Otto paid some Korean Lab $155,000 to clone their dying dog Lancelot.

Yes, you read that right. 155,000 fucking dollars.

He might have been special, but fuck, why not take a trip around the world, or give it to some poor hobo child! Fuck, just give me the money and I'll crawl around on your floor and lick my nuts for a few years. And I'm already pretty much house broken.

They called their new cloned pup Encore Lancelot. How fucking original.

At least Encore Lancelot is a bundle of sweet sweet puppy kisses.

I wonder how much it will cost to have me cloned when I need it?

I posted another heart warming story about a doggie name Kujo below. This one didn't cost anybody anything more than some dog food. Although, that shit is expensive these days.

Ashlee Asshole Simpson needs to Shut Her Stupid Mouth

"Damn, look at Jessica's huge ass!"

So some fattie mcFatFat pictures of Jessica Simpson are making the rounds and the "super talented" younger sister of Jessica, Ashlee, decided to open up her stupid bitchy mouth

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

Ashlee should never try and be diplomatic. The only thing she's good for really, is being a total bitch to McDonalds employees (see below).

Besides, women totally love to read about celebrities getting fat. It makes them feel better about eating an entire box of ice cream bon bons, or oreos (or for some of you big mamas, both).

Remember when Ashlee's nose use to be a big fattie? How can someone who had their entire face reconstructed be surprised that society is concerned with image.

I say, if you're fat, fuck it. Eat it up. Wear assless chaps. Stuff your mouth with delicious potato salad and totino's party pizzas (I love Totino's Party Pizza's more than I love my own parents, sorry mom and dad).

As long as Asshole Simpson shuts her big fat mouth, we have no problem.

PETA Wants You To Have Sex With Vegetables

This PETA ad, which was supposed to air during the Super Bowl, has been banned by NBC because it's too racy.

I don't see a problem with it. I think if one woman and one vegetable really love each other, then they should definitley commit some type of fornication.

If you were wondering, I'd totally get nasty with a carrot.

I swear I've seen a dick that looked just like the carrot below. It was this dude I met in West Hollywood. He was ripped, and maybe on steroids.

DONT DO STEROIDS! You might end up with a carrot peen!




Speaking of carrot peens:

Coach Fired after 100-0 win

This is some funny shit.

The Covenant School girls basketball coach, Micah Grimes (above) was fired after he encouraged and allowed his team to destroy, demolish, and flush down the toilet, Dallas Academy.

The Covenant School girls basketball team wiped the floor with The Dallas Academy, 100-0 which wasn't exactly a surprise.

The Dallas Academy team hasn't won a game in four years. I'm pretty sure they are semi retarded. For one, The Academy brags about being able to teach those with learning disabilities, and two, they havent won a game in four years and they still have a team.

Can you imagine trying out for a team that hasn't won a game in four years? There's no way they could cut you from the team because they can't get any worse.

I'd take massive bong rips before I went to practice, because what harm could it possibly do? It's like beating a dead whale. A big stupid dead whale.

Palin For Prez in 2012!? It really may be the end of the world.

Oh, HELL NO! This biatch needs to go away. She needs to not ever be on my television screen again. She should even step down from her position as Governor and move into a house for people with disabilities, cause this bitch's brain is one double fist sized disability.

Check out her PAC website and go throw up in the toilet after words.

Actually, throw up all over your screen, all over Stupid Sarah's stupid website.

This woman is a horrible person. She lacks a fudnamental intelligence that makes her 100% incapable of being a good leader. She's corrupt as all hell (troopergate, babygate, I'm-a-stupid-fucking-idiot-gate,etc. etc.)

I don't care what she looks like, I feel like she's my Jewish Grandmother telling me to find a nice Jewish girl.

Two different worlds. No possibility of agreeing.

Here's Keith Olbermann laying it out for you.

Anna Wintour to Quit that "Vogue" Bitch

The New York Post's Page Six says that Anna Wintour (think Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, cause that character is based on Anna) might be leaving her position as Head Bitch in Charge (HBIC) of Vogue Magazine.

This is only news because Anna is the bitchiest of all bitches, and because of that, she deserves respect.

Besides, if you fuck with her, or show her any potential disrepect, she'll do one of three things: (1) She'll tell everybody whatever you're wearing is "sooooo last season." (2) She'll breathe fire in your face, singing your eyebrows so horribly small that you'll be wearing lip liner on your brows for months. (3) She'll die.
This bitch looks like she's really fragile. It looks like if you shake her hand the wrong way she might just break up into a million shards of glass.

In any case, Wintour is a goddess. She's probably even bitchier than the world's biggest bitch (Madonna), and that's enough for me to want to lick her old mama tatas.

She also makes a reported $2 million a year, so while i was giving her chi chis the oral treatment, I would have to take a look in her purse and pull out some vicodin and money. You know that bitch has TONS of vicodin in her purse.

"Thriller" on Broadway?

So Michael "I swear I don't touch children... innappropriatley" Jackon's 80's hit music video/song might be headed for Broadway.

James L. Nederlander, veteran Broadway producer, said “I love the idea of making ‘Thriller’ a musical. Girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy has big secret, now what…”

I know I won't go see this, but that's because I would never spend any significant amount of money on the theater when I could just smoke some pot and watch Sandra Bullock movies on FX (my fav is The Net. That shit is freaky!)

I wonder what Jacko is even thinking? Is he just waiting for his nose to fall off? Is he hoping that the show plays across from an elementary school?

I'll bet he constantly worries, when he is eating, that he's going to accidentally eat his own nose. There's no way he can feel that shard of plastic attached to his face anymore, and it would completely blend in with many kinds of soup, and and sort of chicken dish.

Though I bet it doesn't taste like chicken.